I HAVE SERIAL! The cable came yesterday. Here is the serial output after using Etcher (I know, it's not DD, but Etcher has never failed me) to write the Focal Gnome IMG to my EMMC:
Script started on 2020-07-08 09:52:48-0500
^[]0;me@me-desktop: ~^G^[[01;32me@me-desktop^[[00m:^[[01;34m~^[[00m$ exit^H^H^H^Hsudo screen /dev/ttyUSB0 1500000
[sudo] password for me: [redacted]^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H
^[[!p^[[?3;4l^[[4l^[>^[[?1049h^[[22;0;0t^[[4l^[[?1h^[=^[[0m^[(B^[[1;54r^[[H^[[2J^[[H^[[2J
U-Boot TPL 2020.01-ayufan-2013-gdb96b24f (Apr 13 2020 - 08:44:03)
Channel 0: LPDDR4, 50MHz
BW=32 Col=10 Bk=8 CS0 Row=15 CS1 Row=15 CS=2 Die BW=16 Size=2048MB
Channel 1: LPDDR4, 50MHz
BW=32 Col=10 Bk=8 CS0 Row=15 CS1 Row=15 CS=2 Die BW=16 Size=2048MB
256B stride
256B stride
lpddr4_set_rate: change freq to 400000000 mhz 0, 1
lpddr4_set_rate: change freq to 800000000 mhz 1, 0
Trying to boot from BOOTROM
Returning to boot ROM...
U-Boot SPL 2020.01-ayufan-2013-gdb96b24f (Apr 13 2020 - 08:44:03 +0000)
^[[?1l^[>^[[54;1H
^[[?1049l^[[23;0;0t[detached from 13560.pts-2.timothy-desktop]
^[]0;me@me-desktop: ~^G^[[01;32mme@me-desktop^[[00m:^[[01;34m~^[[00m$ exit
exit
Script done on 2020-07-08 09:55:21-0500
Does this help at all?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
EDIT: Interestingly, when I insert a MicroSD card and try to boot it fails as well
. Here is the serial ouput:
U-Boot TPL 2020.01-ayufan-2013-gdb96b24f (Apr 13 2020 - 08:44:03)
Channel 0: LPDDR4, 50MHz
BW=32 Col=10 Bk=8 CS0 Row=15 CS1 Row=15 CS=2 Die BW=16 Size=2048MB
Channel 1: LPDDR4, 50MHz
BW=32 Col=10 Bk=8 CS0 Row=15 CS1 Row=15 CS=2 Die BW=16 Size=2048MB
256B stride
256B stride
lpddr4_set_rate: change freq to 400000000 mhz 0, 1
lpddr4_set_rate: change freq to 800000000 mhz 1, 0
Trying to boot from BOOTROM
Returning to boot ROM...
U-Boot SPL 2020.01-ayufan-2013-gdb96b24f (Apr 13 2020 - 08:44:03 +0000)
Trying to boot from MMC2
mmc_load_image_raw_sector: mmc block read error
Trying to boot from MMC1
mmc_load_image_raw_sector: mmc block read error
Trying to boot from MMC2
mmc_load_image_raw_sector: mmc block read error
SPL: failed to boot from all boot devices
### ERROR ### Please RESET the board ###
Script started on 2020-07-08 09:52:48-0500
^[]0;me@me-desktop: ~^G^[[01;32me@me-desktop^[[00m:^[[01;34m~^[[00m$ exit^H^H^H^Hsudo screen /dev/ttyUSB0 1500000
[sudo] password for me: [redacted]^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H^H ^H
^[[!p^[[?3;4l^[[4l^[>^[[?1049h^[[22;0;0t^[[4l^[[?1h^[=^[[0m^[(B^[[1;54r^[[H^[[2J^[[H^[[2J
U-Boot TPL 2020.01-ayufan-2013-gdb96b24f (Apr 13 2020 - 08:44:03)
Channel 0: LPDDR4, 50MHz
BW=32 Col=10 Bk=8 CS0 Row=15 CS1 Row=15 CS=2 Die BW=16 Size=2048MB
Channel 1: LPDDR4, 50MHz
BW=32 Col=10 Bk=8 CS0 Row=15 CS1 Row=15 CS=2 Die BW=16 Size=2048MB
256B stride
256B stride
lpddr4_set_rate: change freq to 400000000 mhz 0, 1
lpddr4_set_rate: change freq to 800000000 mhz 1, 0
Trying to boot from BOOTROM
Returning to boot ROM...
U-Boot SPL 2020.01-ayufan-2013-gdb96b24f (Apr 13 2020 - 08:44:03 +0000)
^[[?1l^[>^[[54;1H
^[[?1049l^[[23;0;0t[detached from 13560.pts-2.timothy-desktop]
^[]0;me@me-desktop: ~^G^[[01;32mme@me-desktop^[[00m:^[[01;34m~^[[00m$ exit
exit
Script done on 2020-07-08 09:55:21-0500
Does this help at all?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
EDIT: Interestingly, when I insert a MicroSD card and try to boot it fails as well

U-Boot TPL 2020.01-ayufan-2013-gdb96b24f (Apr 13 2020 - 08:44:03)
Channel 0: LPDDR4, 50MHz
BW=32 Col=10 Bk=8 CS0 Row=15 CS1 Row=15 CS=2 Die BW=16 Size=2048MB
Channel 1: LPDDR4, 50MHz
BW=32 Col=10 Bk=8 CS0 Row=15 CS1 Row=15 CS=2 Die BW=16 Size=2048MB
256B stride
256B stride
lpddr4_set_rate: change freq to 400000000 mhz 0, 1
lpddr4_set_rate: change freq to 800000000 mhz 1, 0
Trying to boot from BOOTROM
Returning to boot ROM...
U-Boot SPL 2020.01-ayufan-2013-gdb96b24f (Apr 13 2020 - 08:44:03 +0000)
Trying to boot from MMC2
mmc_load_image_raw_sector: mmc block read error
Trying to boot from MMC1
mmc_load_image_raw_sector: mmc block read error
Trying to boot from MMC2
mmc_load_image_raw_sector: mmc block read error
SPL: failed to boot from all boot devices
### ERROR ### Please RESET the board ###